What am I made up of?
3 things that don’t make any sense to the logical mind…
After long exploration of trying to find what I am, I now rest in it or maybe sit in it.
Sometimes I don’t even like what I am but that’s the beauty of being whole.
You don’t have to necessarily like who you are. You have to sit within it until you like it.
That’s because you tried, tried and tried all you can to become so many things and when nothing goes your way…
That’s when you give up. And giving up after trying, is surrendering after fighting a war with your truth. It can only get better not worse.
So what am I made up of? Let’s shorten it. I am not made up of this. This is me with everything that is incomprehensible.
Exhaustion, Clarity, Longing.
I’ll explain to you how these can be together in a story form, inspired from nature.
Exhaustion is the big, vast, all-consuming storms that form in the sky. When they form, they occupy most of the sky we see. Slow, Heavy, Deep, Drowsy, Dark, Scary to some, Magnetic to some, and most importantly avoided by the majority. That’s how I feel when I am exhaustion.
Clarity. Clarity is the warrior essence. Clarity makes me feel like a warrior. There is an image that comes to my mind about how I feel when I am clarity. Moves like water. Strikes like a sword. Shines like the sun. Speaks like the ocean. Clarity makes me the most graceful, flowing, sharp, clear, fearless, confident, bright, joyful, lightest, strong warrior that I have witnessed.
Then, there is longing. Closest to the heart. Longing makes my heart ache deeply. What do I long for? Another feminine. Another woman. To be exact, one that is soft and feminine. You may ask, “Is there really a difference between softness and feminine?”. My answer is yes.
There is difference. Softness or gentleness is common to both masculine and feminine. Gentlemen exist. Gentlewoman? not really. People think that feminine is soft. No. The feminine naturally leans into softness because of her motherly nurturing nature.
Feminine can also choose not to be soft, if she wants to. She doesn’t just create; she destroys too. Destruction, Rawness, Grace, Flow and even Creation is not soft. They can be ugly, messy, unimaginably gore too. And she still holds it all like she is holding her newborn child and that is the softness she chooses to be.
I have seen and experienced what it’s like to be rejected from that softness is every corner of my life. Life made it this way for me.
That made me long for the softness of the feminine in the form of A woman.
Just one. Just one who wishes to stay with me after seeing that I am exhaustion, clarity and longing.
You may ask, “There are so many females in the world? Don’t you think just one can stay? I’m sure many will be willing to…”
<smiles> Yes there are so many women in the world. Not all see the inside. Even after seeing through me, not many wish to stay because all they see in my depth is exhaustion only. Even if they wish to stay, they can’t because they feel drained. That drained feeling comes when you expect something and don’t receive it. So, they too move away.
I am not saying anything wrong about woman. Every man has his own expectation of the woman he wants to live with. I don’t have expectation. Just a need.
I need a woman who doesn’t expect me to be anything. I need a woman who wishes to stay beside exhaustion, because it’s still me. I need a woman who doesn’t feel overwhelmed when I am clarity. I need a woman who can see that she is neither the reason nor the solution for my longing, but just a witness. I need a woman to sit through the longing and offer her softness.
I can hear what you are saying. “What crazy need is this? Who expects these kinds of things these days? Is it even possible for such a woman to exist? What is this exhaustion, clarity longing thing about? This guy is just dreaming all sorts of fantasies. He is never going to find such a woman!”
I hear you. I don’t have hope, trust, belief or desire that this will happen. Just a deep longing in my aching heart.
Let me picturize for you the exhaustion, longing and clarity:
Big thunderstorm clouds that roam around the sky slowly. That is exhaustion.
Lightning suddenly strikes the ground. BOOM. Extremely unexpected. Random. Sudden. Intense. Immensely powerful. Fastest. Clearest. Brightest. And it stays at the place it strikes, before dissolving. That is clarity. You never know when it strikes. But the storm knows that the lightning was resting inside it. Similarly, exhaustion knows that it has clarity, and it will only come out at the moment it is needed.
The warrior is always a warrior, even if he is so damn exhausted. Exhaustion might be everything he is. But his warrior essence are his instincts and his nature. The exhaustion doesn’t remove it. It just lets it rest.
The exhaustion only came because the longing could never be met just by the clarity. It needed another’s presence. Trying to be that presence exhausts more. Distracting, Fighting, or Running away makes it all worse. Just have to sit inside the exhaustion.
The longing nudges to slowly become soft and gentle towards the self. That softness and gentleness becomes the glow around the storm clouds. The storm and the lightning remain…
That is what I am made of… Or the whole me.
